My Vagina

So anyone who read my last post probably thought I was about to quit JJ forever or jump off a bridge. I was pretty close, but what fun would the Academy be without me? Probably just as fun, but I digress. This past Thursday, randomly, I thought my vagina had finally healed. I trained Friday and Saturday and today competed in Kimo's in-house tournament. Well, my vagina came back for an encore performance and really knocked the crowd dead.

To say that my performance today was embarrassing is like saying Tiger Woods porked a bunch of disgusting white women. It was and he did. All that I have accomplished to get to two stripes evaporated and I made myself look like I had only trained for a month. One draw and got submitted 3 times. 3 TIMES! That's ridiculous. The holes and deficiencies in my game were as thin as Paris Hilton's nighty. My guard was soft and slow, my guard passing was non-existent and my turtle didn't have a shell. And seriously, why the fuck am I turtling? Am I Edoardo Telles? I trained with Megaton one time and I asked him about the turtle and he almost punched me in the face. He reminisced about Telles losing like 18-0 because of the turtle. But still I stick with it.

If I turtle again while training with any of you, please punch me right in the fucking teeth as hard as you can. It is my instictual position and it must be discarded if I ever want to advance any further. The other things I need to focus on are: 1. Posture, 2. Posture, 3. Posture, you get the point. Next, I need to figure out how to break and pass the guard effectively, not put my head down and wait for the guy to triangle or sweep me. In my guard I need to become more offensive, not just automatically open and scramble for the next position. All day today I fought (questionable term) constantly defending and NEVER getting in a very good position. If I hadn't accidentally kneed Brad's balls he might have submitted me to, sorry about that. I do give props to Mike G, Jared and Helios who all subbed me today. I tried some moves that might have put me in difficult positions but they really came to win and they did a great job. All my best to them in next weekend's competition.

Guys, I am better than I performed and I am sorry that some of you had to witness that today. I'll be back and I need help. My attitude going in was probably worse than my peformance and that's scary. Anyway, I'm now going to go have a couple beers and wallow with my bruised forehead, chin, nose and ego.

P.S. Nobody really needs to punch me in the teeth, but maybe a wedgie or something.

P.S.S. My thoughts are with JR and wishing him a speedy recovery from his neck surgery. Big congrats to him getting his purple belt. He is a tough son of a bitch and well deserving.