Belt anxiety

I just looked and it's been 10 days since my last post. Sorry for all that have been waiting anxiously on the end of their seats.

I can't remember if I have mentioned the Wise Grappler before in my posts, but for all who don't know who he is, Paul Greenhill is a Lloyd Irvin / Leo Dalla black belt and he's 47 years old. His blog and emails are aimed at us older guys that love BJJ. Anyway, last week the topic of his post was related to getting promoted and having other folks in the gym questioning why and your own feelings of pressure and intimidation at the honor. It was timely because just after getting two stripes I looked around at the guys who were at my level, or even below. They kick my ass - Bob, JR, Mike G. and others. I start wondering whether I deserve it. There's no telling why you get your stripes or promotions, sometimes it's as simple as the fact that you've been working hard and it's a symbol to keep you motivated. Other times it is because you are improving at a rate beyond those around you. In any event, I have been feeling the pressure and it is somewhat difficult because I'm pretty laid back. I don't roll to smash anyone, etc, so maybe I'm doing myself a disservice by being too nice. Not sure, but I want to just keep it fun. I think the guys in our academy are the toughest around and it's a real pleasure to be associated with each and every one of you, regardless of belt level.

The past two weeks have been really tough for me. I have had very little motivation to train and work hard. It's been a real struggle to get there and focus. I'm proud of myself in the fact that I have made it to the academy every time I was at the point of saying fuck it and staying home. These stripes and this blog are helping me get my ass up when I get depressed or just unmotivated. But it is still persisting. I feel like I'm getting older and I don't want to walk around with cuts on my nose and scrapes on my chin. I was planning on competing at Fight to Win and my body and mind are telling me not to. I can make weight no problem and I'm sure I would compete fairly well, but the desire to compete isn't in me right now. I want to support the team and help the academy grow, but competing when I feel the way I do is a recipe for getting injured. I don't want to disappoint any of my teammates becasue being a part of this team, family and academy is one of the best things in my life. We'll see.

I can't be funny every blog, so sorry about that. I figure chronicling my journey, the highs and the lows is better than entertaining all the time. Regardless of whether I compete I will absolutely be there to support all those that do.